started and ended

started on edge, weighing time against what i said could be done in a given period. someone took the stats and showed me the goal is always too optimistic. well, fuck you, i thought to myself. maybe i need to be too optimistic. maybe if i wasn’t nothing would get done.

then i get asked about firearms and almost nearly lose my shit in explaining that the stock and trigger control group has to be removed from the lowers, on and on i went explaining the law four paragraphs in before pressing send. guy comes back two seconds later and asks if we’re talking about the same thing. says he’s talking about a whole different set of firearms. took a deep breath to suppress how stupid i felt before writing back and apologizing for being difficult. everything they ask me causes a high-alert reaction and when that exchange was done i realized i can’t, i just can’t continue with these psychos.

then i started working until the idea that everyone was out doing something fun told me to stop working and start cleaning. don’t ever read past diary entries but if i read this one can only imagine i’d call myself a loser, except for the fact that i enjoy cleaning when no one’s around. for whatever reason it upsets the cats, and they act like i’m a stranger and everything they’ve known is new and requiring a scent test and territorial rub. also forgot to feed hopscotch so when i grabbed the hay she lost her shit and tried to tear the bag to pieces and instead bit into my hand which led me to scream, her to jump and the cats to run in to see what the ruckus was about.

after feeding her that and some cilantro i left her alone to tend to the blood, wondering for a sec if she had rabies then remembering that she’d just come back from the vet having aced all her tests, just couldn’t recall if rabies was one of them or even if rabbits and rabies was a thing. fuck it, i thought to myself. took a shower, practiced the singing exercises i was given for the week and got frustrated, wondering how on earth she expects me to master something my mouth refuses to cooperate with, but i won’t give up, just means i need to practice three or four times longer than she recommended.

people make fun of my new phone service and call me a big girl now, or fancy, or something along those lines, but today was quiet and suspect tomorrow should i wake up will be more of the same. it’s not an attempt to be fancy so much as make it impossible to get in touch with me unless planned for during the week. I’m only working this hard with a goal in mind, and once i reach it, plan to walk away from a lot of people at the same time, but it’s not a real plan so much as an intention, cause one has more power than the other.

i feel unquestionable love this evening and along with the feeling comes a sense of calm and peace, kinda like i know everything is gonna work out and love is gonna win.


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