sunday evening 7/4/22

sitting here slightly discombobulated with the state of things.

watched a comedian yesterday make jokes about how she grew up poor, and how when she made money the concept of taking care of herself came into play. she joked about how she didn’t go to doctors, and how the concept of seeing a doctor when not sick seemed like a waste. i’m not thinking too deeply into that at the moment – just letting it pass through…

for 1.5 hours i tried to make a thing happen and no matter how many ways or how many people i talked to, it wasn’t working. made me think about how seamless some things are and how much weight to place on seamless versus struggle. both have their pros and cons.

made me think about him, and how just spending time together without sex or work was a no go or how growing up in struggle fed the perception that all things are that way. meant for fighting. always fighting. thought love was part of the things i should fight for. but yes. yes it is. but not everyone prays to a god and even if they do, some have one head and some have many. i wondered if there are people that don’t fight all the time. the demons. the voices inside and out. the simple act of waking up and moving, and how some will never know the invisible courage it takes just to get dressed in the morning.

i hear fireworks and reflect back to several years ago, when i tried to reconstruct a family it felt like i’d torn apart. they’re all somewhat angry at me for popping their happy family life bubble and sometimes i feel like a selfish asshole when other days i know for sure i did the right thing. i told them mom was wearing a mask and decided she couldn’t anymore. she couldn’t breath with the effort of pretending all was okay.

i get boiling angry sometimes and don’t know what to set on fire so often there’s destruction in the wake of pain. childish destruction. imagine a big ‘ole woman on her knees and asking god why i was birthed in a gym and asked to do sets made for a grown man when my head couldn’t even be held up without support. oh – he laughs at me. tells me he likes the visualizations i bring to the conversation. i tell him i’d have preferred to have been born a sea star, hanging out on sea floors invisible and in no need of blood. he says i’d have run out of oxygen faster, then laughs some more.

sometimes when the kids and i talk i realize all the ways in which i could have done better; ways that won’t make a difference doing better now. i could be wrong. it could just be that they’re all so different and f’n opinionated. they got that from me for sure but when i see and hear it am not sure it’s such a good thing. maybe it is and i just want them to be a little bit more on the spiritual side. maybe it’s me that needs to redefine spiritual.

kinda wanna disappear into the aether this evening. feel like there’s too much of everything but don’t know how to properly explain what that means. feel disconnected from myself and unwilling to face the truth of why.

Blog at WordPress.com.