sunrise thoughts

there’s a meditative state not sought but somehow achieved in waves throughout the day. it’s a combination of having placed boundaries from work, a major increase in physical activity, and a significant change in diet. i thought at home that the exercise i was doing was significant but in comparison to this week, it’s clear i need to overhaul the current routine. each day the physical pain increases but i don’t tell anyone. i want to cry at this fact and when bathing outside do. i release everything to nature and feel a sense of calm afterward. she hurts too but keeps growing. rumination continues but the associated emotional pain has lessened. there’s synchronicity between my being here and a sense of distancing from the other side. guess I’ve learned synchronicity doesn’t mean much if it’s just in my head. sometimes it seems there’ll be an unending mourning to this dedicated silence. we are all resilient, none more than another. the awe one sees outside must exist in recognition to the awe one is aware of inside, even if it not be known. parts of this remind me of childhood, the main difference being that i’m not exploring by myself. someone at dinner asked me what i do so i explained the activities performed and someone came up behind me to tell him my title and his eyes widened in surprise. “ohhhhhhh wow,” he said. there was a brief exchange of eye contact as i glanced at the guy telling the other guy my title and his expression said something like, “don’t be shy” but he didn’t understand i didn’t want to be looked at through the lens of an assigned title – it says nothing about me. and what does “ohhhhhh wow” really mean? it actually changed the energy of the conversation we were having so i didn’t appreciate his interference. people really do treat you differently if they have some preconceived notion of who you are based on what others call you. priest, president, husband… those things come to mind. there is literally a bird somewhere in my room that i can’t find. it sings at specific times and then goes dark. i think it’s my sister from another mother. another full day is planned. i may skip out on some things like i did yesterday’s pre-announced nature hike which according to my australian friend was really just a stroll along the side of the road picking up rubbish. aleen is pure comedy gold and i’ll miss her.

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