untechnical

another divorcee. recent. his looks betray the expectations of his profession. he instructs children but could easily be mistaken for the rock. his voice is as soft as bob ross’s and his demeanor is curiously both present and absent. short discussion about his reason for being here. guess it came down to healing. he explained there was no infidelity and that they just didn’t see eye to eye. i wondered how he could know and why it would be important to share. it reminded me of another guy from earlier in the day who broke down about the differences between he and his spouse, how they’d had counseling years ago and the counselor left it in his lap to be the one that needed to change. i’d had dinner with them the night before and she sat next to me sharing a similar story about their differences and how they made it work. if it should work out it will. i don’t pray on these kinds of things for others anymore. i just support their individual journeys wherever they lead cause no one really knows except them the truths suppressed within. between the frustration in her voice and tears in his eyes the next day, i’m guessing this time together is forcing them to look at things easier not to look at when at home and attending to whatever cycle of madness we’ve all managed to engage in at some point in our lives. three women i’ve talked to suffer from imposter-syndrome, self-diagnosed, and when you consider i talked to them at different times on different days, i have to wonder if it’s something more prevalent than known or discussed in general. i get it. it comes to me in cycles and for most it’s tied to a muted sense of worthiness. sometimes it helps to try to look at yourself from the perspective of those you work with to assign yourself the qualities you know you have but haven’t had articulated so clearly and honestly by another. guess we’re all here for the same and different reasons. i’m keen to believe it’s connection and for whatever reason saddened at how naturally unnatural are the circumstances we’ve chosen for this connection. i wish that weren’t the emotion because it seems ill-placed but it’s here nonetheless as i ponder how connection moves from here to our homes. i didn’t come with expectations or outcomes but the more i listen and observe others, the more vulnerable does this dimension of breath seem. it isn’t that i set out to push people away. it’s that i remain unmoved to see who will push their way in. i know i’m a challenge and it would take someone to be inspired enough by my weight class to want into the fight. everything comes down to relationship, learning how to let go of self-taught untruths (stories) and flow so effortlessly between giving and receiving love that we become the healing. it doesn’t mean the bell rings and the fight is over, it just means that no matter how beat up life leaves you, the grace of having someone in your corner removes the countdown and the fear of not getting up again.

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