the less

it’s monday morning. little time was spent reflecting on the day before. at the midway point a sadness fell over me that couldn’t be shook. we were invited to coffee, then lunch, then coffee again. next there was a round up of spa participants, an extended group invite to dinner, and finally an invite to a private home for a midnight pool party.

before breakfast we’d walked at least five miles and half of those were in the rain. at breakfast we were soaking wet and still everyone wanted to be greeted by hugs. i’m officially miserable and don’t want to go anywhere with anyone anymore. so i said no to the spa, dinner and pool party. it all seemed to be something for people either younger than me or just single and without children. that’s probably not true. i’m likely just tired but not too tired to walk a few more miles to find a place to eat with the kids.

one of the most unexpected things about all these people is that in a very tangible village-like way they sat down with each of them at some point and shared some tidbit of wisdom about life, education, finance, love, and so much more. each time i observed them listening intently and receiving a level of attention they were so unfamiliar with that at first it overwhelmed them. i can’t know entirely what it meant to them – can only speak with confidence about what it meant to me. i was equally happy and sad but don’t remember what word means both at the same time.

last night i couldn’t explain or pinpoint the sorrow that seemed to be drowning me at dinner. i felt lonelier than it seemed i should under the circumstances and because it was unexpected had a hard time hiding it so put on a mask for them as the darkness within grew to fill the spaces where so often it finds pillows waiting. on the walk back everything observed brought tears and a longing i still don’t know how to express.

it helps to keep writing nonetheless.

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