taxi man say streets busy because of holiday. i ask which holiday. he says august. i tell him turn right. he turn left. i’m by myself so small talk 101 commences. where u from? how you like? call me, i take you anywhere. he goes long way back to house. thirty minutes later we arrive and i ask how much.

two dollars. not sure how i feel about that.

at last cafe my nervous energy could not hide but also knew it didn’t read like nervous energy on the outside. on their faces it confused them since it didn’t line up with what i was saying or doing. it’s one of those things where you look at someone and kind of just say fuck it to being real while putting on the ever ready smile that drops from the ceiling like an oxygen mask. i needed to get away from them and didn’t know how to tell them i couldn’t work in that environment. like not ever. plus i was pissed that all things loosely planned fell by the wayside for a one-hour meeting that turned into six. six hours where i pretended to be productive and just couldn’t.

to get away i lied about going to water ceremony at temple in the morning. everyone is getting baptized but that’s not what they call it at all. there’s a dress code, a temple, a priest who has his back to you the whole time chanting and an expectation that you’re going to get in the water and be fully submerged for a blessing. they said it’s powerful.

i’m pretty sure these are common ingredients in the recipe of baptisms. i almost abhor ceremony and am not feeling it which is fine cause no one’s losing sleep over my feelings except me.

i’m surprised at the level of anxiety swirling around inside. surprised and sad.

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