today. run on thoughts.

i allowed myself to be scammed by a six year old and not because she was cute but because she was in competition with a nine-year and age didn’t mean a thing to her. i said yes to 70% of the activities because the other 30% felt like bullshit. was talking to a guy about using love as a centering place over lunch and he said if we weren’t in the environment we were in that most people would think i was crazy with such talk. then he said he felt the same way but the incongruence between his words and facial expression revealed he’d omitted something about his truer feelings so i stopped talking to him and engaged in the twenty whatsapp groups i’d been added to in the prior 24 hours. it wasn’t until my texting limit (can’t believe that’s still a thing) on one of my devices gave a warning that it dawned on me why most people here communicate using that app. feels like we’re all kinda brothers and sisters in that we’re encouraged to ‘live’ with one another but it doesn’t mean a real relationship will ever be formed. somehow through all the participation i’ve remained relatively disconnected from everyone. age leads me to believe it won’t ever change but there’s always that ‘i’m often wrong’ side of reality that confirms a better story just hasn’t been developed. after these last few days i’m not sure if i know the difference between desiring connection and admiring it. it looks so beautiful in person and in pictures but i can’t fathom how that translates to real life when the curtains are drawn. all i imagine are costumes being tossed in corners, makeup being scrubbed away, and props being carefully placed back in storage until the next public viewing. i don’t know where the trigger point is between hugs and smiles before you can ask what the f&c! is really going on in someones naturally unscheduled life. i do know that small talk is like holding the stock and things like compliments, encouragement and hugs are like stroking the barrel. most times i just wanna get to the action and skip all that shit. but that’s not a thing unless there’s some real magic happening. and maybe once or twice in a lifetime we’re genies. but maybe that’s wrong too. who’s the genius that put a limit on wishes or better yet, who repeated it for mass acceptance?

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