separation as fault

“separation from body”

this was how i described the ‘letting go’ intention not once, not twice, but six times. enough times for everyone to hear. awareness doesn’t equal change. i wanted to point to ΔFosB as the cause, or really anything that wouldn’t make sense saying out loud so that additional vulnerability and truth could be avoided. there was a fire ritual. a physical ceremony involving a priest to further support the intentions. i questioned the whole thing and tried not to judge it all as stupid but it was a challenge.

somewhere between what i’d stated and that ceremony i’d changed the intention so that instead of letting go of the separation i’d decided that integrating wholeness was a more positive way to look at what my truer intention was because doesn’t letting go involve some aspect of accepting what already is? i didn’t want to pretend that letting go of self-declared separation by writing it on a piece of paper and throwing it in a fire had any benefit. a ritual is only worth the salt you believe the food requires to be flavorful.

everything under the sun that hurts in the present did at one time create benefit in the past. as a child i survived abuse by learning how to separate my emotional self from my physical self so find it hard not to consider the issue is not one of letting go so much as one of embracing and giving rest to innate tools we come to overuse. it is rest that promote peace and wholeness that argues the idea that one needs to be fixed.

when i see others move with ease and comport i feel grief, grief for a physical self seen as enemy. even as the lustful side of man scares me, the lustful side of self is the one that has caused the most pain. the real challenge is to sit with that self, reconcile with nature, and make note of the tests taken thus far that make up the lessons. there’s no pass or fail, no prayer, chant, or fire that can return to sender what life has delivered.

everything is a gift and receiving it as such supports wholeness and opens the door to internal rest. and the fire – it’s best left burning inside.

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