be spectacled

now that night comes, it seems the day was not nearly as bad as initially felt. the best description of the emotion felt upon waking is


held back, squeezed, feeling invisible hands around my neck and pressure constricting my veins

this isn’t a normal kind of thing for me. anxiety is normal. loud noises that make me jump or scream is normal. being irrationally afraid much of the time. all normal. the adrenals and i have a pact. they don’t shoot – i don’t prosecute. so far so good.

i remember visiting my brother in prison a couple of times and several of those times we only got as close as the glass that separated us. i was still practicing the art of reading lips and moving along day to day not admitting i couldn’t really hear half the shit people were saying.

you can only ask people to repeat themselves so many times before it pisses them off. i thought it was just my kids that got frustrated with me but nope. it genuinely pisses people off not to be heard in a literal sense. there’s an instinctive anxiety that comes not only with knowing you didn’t it hear it all, but that you must ask someone to repeat it and hope they speak slower and louder. usually they don’t. you’ve got milliseconds to determine whether to play wheel of fortune and respond or ask again. either way, it makes people think you’re missing a few screws.

after so many conversations today i felt throttled.

a guy showed up late to a call so i left the connection on to give a fifteen minute courtesy before disconnecting and waltzed into the shower to only minutes later hearing him call my name as if he was in the bathroom with me. holy spit balls was that a first.

fridays i’m not supposed to meet with people. my own mind misrepresents the use of language and logic. someone asked if i wanted ice cream and i told him it was less than a hundred degrees out.

maybe it goes together — cause he ordered f’n ice cream.

i’m gonna go read another book as i close the evening in gratitude for perfect eyesight with spectacles.

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