kids. genders. pronouns. sex. cacao.

all in thirty minutes.

i’m at a group breakfast. guy sits next to me and wants to talk about my kids and his kids even though none of them are in attendance. it felt like the old mommy and me group playdates days i used to coordinate cause i didn’t know how else to socialize the kids. i’m kind of not listening because when you get a break from your kids they’re the last thing you want to talk about, and coffee mixed with the ungodly pure hot chocolate they’d served only minutes before had me in some kind of orgasmic caffeinated bliss that made it extra hard to focus. it was my turn to talk. i knew because he stopped talking but continued staring at me. what should i ask, i wondered. asked if he ever wanted a girl and it made him laugh so quickly i wondered if i’d accidentally asked if he was a girl. finally he rolled his eyes and said not really cause his older two boys were gay and then he laughed again. hmmm. didn’t know how to respond. couldn’t imagine what the follow up question should be. it probably sounds rude but i didn’t really care. my kids all identify differently so in some ways i could probably relate but how people identify themselves isn’t nearly as important as them knowing who they are without the limited constructs the world creates to feign an interest in their souls.

so i changed the topic to sex cause i could tell he had zero interest in me so it felt like a safe topic. safer than talking about kids anyway. i’m at a stage in life where i have to ask questions and prefer to ask people i’ll probably never see or talk to again. the question of when i had sex last comes up and a dumbfounded look is returned. guess i keep hoping to come across someone that finds it normal but it’s august 2022 and part of me thinks i’m missing something, something really important. the other part of me thinks i’ve found something, something not so important. but this is the year the streak will be broken. this is the year he shall choose to know me most intimately.

maybe we should have kept talking about our gender fluid offspring but pronouns usually fuck me.

long day. silly thoughts. incomplete meanings.

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