we hadn’t talked in a while and for some reason anxiety bubbled up, reflective of the fact i’d never said goodbye, wished her well on her new journey, or simply checked in to see how she was doing. but when i saw her face it felt okay, as if no time had passed, and i could tell she was being down to earth cause she didn’t have that ‘professional’ voice and demeanor i’d gotten used to after a year of working with her on the teams.
me on the other hand. i was fake as shit. i smiled so much i could have secured a contract with crest, tom of maine’s, or arm & hammer. she’s got letters before her name so makes an assistant do everything for her and she just kinds of shows up where she’s supposed to be. one piece of advice she gave me before she left was to make them hire me an assistant. i listened as intently as possible to make it appear i was really taking her words to heart but it was humorous because i know myself. eventually i’d end up taking care of the assistant. it’s like my short run with nannies experience. if it gets to a place where i gotta hire people to manage my life or care for my family then i’ve gotten to the wrong place, and taken a cab for a smash and grab when i should have caught a train to somewhere meaningful.
she went on about creating experiences for brown girls. her focus is actually on brown boys and girls in general. i’m immensely uncomfortable talking with people focused on these topics. partially because i’m not sure i understand them and partially because the speaker expects me to. guy i had a meeting with monday night talked to me about hawaiian’s, prayers, ancestors, and generational fear and shame. and how it enlightened and inspired him. what was my deep comeback? “wow” wow cause i didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about. matter of fact, i almost never know what the fuck people are talking about and it’s fair, cause i know for a fact they say the same about me.
but onto the brown girl discussion. tried to put myself in the experiential shoes she wanted to put those girls in but at the end of the call i just felt to have developed corns.
Perceived Tone: Jaded. Negative. Confused. Distorted. Incomplete. Irrational.