ace

uneasy describes what it feels like to be understood in ways not believed revealed.

today felt heavy. heavy and blurry. as if coming to from a hangover, rubbing the eyes and still not being able to see clearly until it feels better to just close the eyes and pray for the spinning to stop.

there’ve only been a few times i drank too much but they were impressional enough that it hasn’t happened again. pot i’m not fond of as it feels blanketing to the senses and brings ironic anxiety. speed marketed as weight loss pills the body builds a tolerance to pretty quickly and eventually they work like sleeping pills. opioids have an absurd short life so bring almost no pain relief and there are other things much less harmful but so far daydreaming feels the best and lasts the longest.

kids friend came by and talked about how he was closer to his step mom than his bio mom. he was explaining where he got parts of his demeanor from and it led him to talking about how he was forced to visit bio mom on some days and visit his grandmother on others. as far as my kids friends go, he’s probably the only one i for sure never liked and still don’t. couldn’t explain why. just don’t like the kid even though by all appearances he seems alright. don’t question it, just trust it, so when he talks i listen but usually only for what he’s not saying.

in the shower got to wondering what it would have been like to share custody and whether any of us would be different if that were the case. it was what he said he wanted but it never happened and that’s okay. i try to believe all is as it should be cause believing otherwise is like asking the rain to reverse its path or turning umbrellas upside down to catch the sun.

got such a ways before mastering myself that i gotta consider it may never happen and that the same could be true for others. doesn’t mean i’ll quit getting better. it just means at some point i’ll look back only to acknowledge how every worst was getting me to the better all along. we all got lessons and we all need someone in our lives to force us to sit down and take the same exam every now and again, cause excellence only comes when it’s the heart and not the mind that memorizes the test and lives the answers.

i’m sending my love and hope you feel it like i feel yours.

Perceived Tone: stream, dream mix, flashbacks, sorrow, hope, disjointed, delusional, confusing, love

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