closing the distance

grandma doesn’t visit anymore. realized it today after cleaning the closet. used to sit in there with the door closed, lights off, candle burning and music playing. from the outside it probably looked like a seance but on the inside it was just a weekly check-in. it was pretty one-sided. me just needing to feel her near on account of not feeling like it was in me to get close to anyone else in real life. she gave me lots of her time and gave up lots of light to sit with me in the dark just to remind me it existed and that i didn’t need to die to experience it. i did want to die though. mostly cause lighting candles only works with the dead. wish i’d have given something back but maybe just loving her was enough. she got me through some of the worst nights i’d ever had, nights i’d spend hours trying to convince god why my kids would be better off without me, nights he’d sit next to her and they’d both tell me to close my eyes and remember what it felt like to let myself be loved without the heavy hopelessness of believing it wasn’t possible. many nights i fell asleep on the floor waking in the middle of the morning and climbing into bed next to my daughter, putting my arm around her and feeling their arms around me. a few years went by like that, where it felt like we were in some secret and sacred cocoon while the world was spinning its never-ending webs around us. don’t know where she went or how long it’s been since i’ve lit a candle in that tiny space. all i know is that now it’s easier to close my eyes and remember what it felt like to let myself be loved and consider that maybe she left cause i also started learning how to do it with my eyes open.

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