coco loco

i don’t work in a corporate building or office. most of the time i work at my kitchen table and when the kids are in school i work in my car most of the time.

this morning i was going to write almost the exact same thing he wrote about them going back to school today but i smiled instead at what he’d written, the melancholia replaced with peace in the recognized strings of invisible connection.

i don’t tell clients where i work or who i work with but globally they have the impression that i am more than i am. don’t know how to explain it any better than that.

i’m a simpleton. don’t live in a big house and don’t want to. that said, i’m getting the hell of here pretty soon cause we’ve simply outgrown the space and if i don’t get a backyard and at least 70% more privacy i’ll likely lose my shit. course it’s all up to the big guy and whether he agrees with me but i think he does cause there hasn’t been any pushback to my plans.

i asked for a boyfriend or a husband too but he’s making me wait without telling me why. figure i got some more growing up to do or something. don’t know but it’s beginning to piss me off. it’s not like i’ll not never be a work in progress so i get pretty close to asking him wtf without asking wtf but he knows what i mean and what i mean is wtf. when i calm down he slaps me with reality and tells me it has nothing to do with me, that i’m a mom, and sacrifice and bla bla bla bla. i turn and roll my eyes then forget he can see me roll my eyes so i apologize for being an ass and tell him he’s right – i’m last. then i stare at his hands waiting for him to tell me i’m not last but he says nothing so of course i ask – am i really last, as in what i want doesn’t matter? he holds up a map of the world as i believe it to be and tells me there’s more than what i see, more than what i know, and that what i want is limited by an existence not meant to be limited. i think to myself he’s getting too deep so ask him more clearly – are you gonna sync me up with a boyfriend, not any boyfriend but the boy friend – the husband already a husband??? he laughs. this guy is always laughing at me. he stops and tells me yes, yes i’ll get the boyfriend and husband i prayed for and then disappears. and i think he disappears on purpose. so i can’t ask any more questions. and so i can wonder about the boyfriend and husband i prayed for and whether he exists in the world i do or don’t see.

but these clients, customers or whatever you call them. they’re a gaggle of folks blessing me day in and day out. so even though they make me crazy, i think it’s part of the package, the movement, the plan — and who knows, the plan could simply be some unforeseen and horrific death that somehow blesses others. i just gotta go with it cause what other choice do i have?

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