dis/belief

something is broken and there’s no name for it. something inside of me feels hopeless and something outside of me feels similar. to my left is a cracked mirror. feels like a reminder. the goal for today was to be joyful no matter what and if it counts, i was on board for about three hours. my mothering could use some work. haven’t really mastered when to use tough love and have found more than once a more gentle love was needed. what i’m really trying to do is embrace where i am and twelve hours of cleaning made me feel better even though it left me further behind in work. cleaning just looks like cleaning. really just a way to force order in the outer world when the inner world feels like a hailstorm. it’s a balancing act that means anyone can eat off the floor without fear of contaminates but ultimately means nothing because no one, not even the cats eat off the floor.

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