sitting her wondering how many people in life i’ve loved then shut out, walked away from or ignored. not sure if the second ex counts. not sure if i loved him either. i have shut out my brother cause he’s mixed with a painful dose of crazy and evil should you get too close. i still love him. with or without the memories i love him. i once shut out and ignored my grandma cause i felt hurt by her misjudgment of my character. found my way back to her and she welcomed me with open arms as if i hadn’t offended her when i know i did. i once shut out my mom for a really long time. two years i think. when i found my way back to her it was because i was in a forgiveness stage and simultaneously learning how judgmental i was, not quite ready to accept that as true but willing to entertain the idea that i enjoyed tossing a rock or two at glass houses. i shut out my ex-daughter in law and am fairly sure i won’t be opening that door again. love her too but learned that marriage doesn’t necessarily make people family for life. guess this exercise makes me feel better a little bit. even if i can’t reconcile why i’ve been shut out by others i guess it’s probably important to get a taste of my own medicine.

A difficult day to be sick.

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