1st day not 1st day nonsense and matches

flurries of nonsense swirl about in my head while i listen to the crying baby who now has a name and not just one but two parents with faces. i giggle at how a few years time leaves me wanting no more and how i told my mom when i was a girl i was never having any. i was just mad at her for having me cause even then there were choices. you didn’t have to grow it if you didn’t want it.

my silo ways aren’t working so each day is beginning to feel like the first day at a new job. as soon as my eyes open my stomach clenches in despair and nausea. i lay staring at the ceiling telling my body it’s not going onstage, it has no speeches to deliver, no productions to oversee. stomach clenches tighter in disagreement. it’s right. my mind is going onstage, there are productions to oversee and speeches to deliver. one solitary tear falls.

the words “can’t stop, won’t stop,” flickers behind my eyes and i sit up, body clearly preparing to purge in the wake of itself. heading to the bathroom the other tears fall as i retch in slow motion to align with a state of exhaustion surely disguising a ticking time bomb.

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