carolyn

you can’t tell she doesn’t have breasts. not saying they’re small. just saying they’re gone. she had a hysterectomy too. when i talked to her she said she doesn’t think she’s a woman anymore. i’d heard that before from other women who’d been forced to grieve the parts of them believed to identify them as women. her husband said she changed since the initial diagnosis. i guess so. it’s hard to rough it through some parts of relationships but it’s possible to get through with support. the breakup stories I hear all have common themes. one or the other isn’t getting what they need from the relationship but what’s really happening is that those folks are looking for the relationship to fix something. depending on what period in history you grew up you may never have been allowed to question the discovery of your feelings for the same or the opposite sex. one of my kids told me out of the blue that he was bi-sexual and that he thought I knew. i just looked at him and he kept eating dinner as if he was telling me the weather for the next day. it was all i could do not to laugh. i thought it was pretty cool he wasn’t in a space of questioning himself and was confident in who he believed himself to be. gender and sexual stuff doesn’t phase me unless it rapey. i’m probably like most other parents where i just hope they find magical forever love. dad on the other hand would have a hissy fit and throw holy water on him or something. i hope he doesn’t have to experience that. I do have to give thought to how I would integrate a relationship with my kids should i ever enter into one again. they’re of an age where i’m not looking to find them a father. he’d have to be an encourager though, cause even when i’m feeling my lowest i tell them all the ways they’ll make it through whatever they’re going through to make it to the next level of whatever it is they’re wanting to achieve. a lot of unfocused writing today. carolyn was my aunt. she was an intermittent meth head also and no one ever told us if it was that or the chemo that finally did her in. probably because it didn’t matter. she taught me how to peel potatoes. she taught me that a woman should always have soft and lovely feet. she gave me my first book of poetry written by maya. she taught me i should read the bible every morning. toward her end she called to apologize for me catching her in the act of shooting up. truth is i’d wanted that apology from mom. i told her i forgave her cause it wasn’t even a thing i was harboring and maybe it was part of a 12-step program but after all these years i wish i would have also told her how valuable her teachings had been, and how maya got me through many a summer day while hiding out in wayward nature paths too untended for adults to tread. think i made it through the whole bible at an early age and even though i didn’t understand much of it, the ritual itself made me feel a little protected. i still take care of my feet and even though i rarely cook these days, i have a way with potatoes that usually turns out well.

think i’ll take a break cause disjointedness and all.

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