How a hot dog bunned my divorce

I know I’ve written about this before. I must have because the experience was cathartic. I had to buy a boatload of hot dogs for a school event and the task triggered me. I wasn’t sad or angry but did want to recall the lessons I was supposed to take from hot dog dinner night. I’m not sure how many years I’d mentally divorced the kids dad before it happened physically but am pretty sure it was a lot. I was guilty of shitting on the pot and not getting off. I hope that’s right. Feels about right. Anyway, I’d waited too long, so long that I’d reached a point where killing all of us wasn’t far from thought. So we were in this strange place where physical separation and cohabitation are forced to use the same kitchen for a while. I don’t recommend it. I could have gotten a short-term rental during that period but hell if I could afford two rentals and keep one shot at sanity. I was on diet number 22 and down about 50 pounds. What I was doing had stuck. I’d reached that glorious place where eating and exercise were habit. Right now I need a fucking dora map and baby jaguar to get back there. But on to the hotdogs. I’d just come in from the gym. It was 6:15pm and everyone was at the dinner table eating and not saying a word. I knew for a fact he’d been talking about me because no one was looking at me, not even him. I didn’t think I’d eat what they were eating but asked him about leftovers anyway. Eating his food he didn’t even look up while answering to tell me there was no more. Not saving me a plate was a level of passive-aggressive that left me wanting to stab him in the eye. I grabbed a green drink from the fridge and went to the garage for an hour to cry then walked for another two hours, until everyone had gone to bed. For whatever reason walking was the perfect escape for the last year we lived in the same house. The divorce was already in process so I get it now but it hardened me to his subsequent hunger and maybe that was the lesson because finally I’d learned the importance of not feeding him.

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