outcast

back on the idea of inclusion, dating, relationships, death, predictions and storytelling.

someone said “they” wanted to bring me into the fold today and i thought of sheep then wondered if finally i’d remembered a quote correctly. he used the word “we”. hate when people say “we” when speaking to me one on one cause i envision monkeys in pockets and ghosts in the room, neither of which makes sense.

thought about panchis. in all the years i knew her never asked why that was her nickname. she was my besties sister who i lived with for a few months in my senior year of high school. she had a son who at the time was around four. it was just us under the roof and i distinctly remember she never dated. she didn’t date until he was in high school and that’s when she said she met the man of her dreams. she married him, they had a baby, a beautiful girl. two years into the marriage he died from cancer. she didn’t date again, not until her daughter turned 17. i’ve lost touch with her so haven’t a clue how she’s doing now. it’s not like everyone gets a royal flush. we just keep playing or step away from the table but whenever thinking of her i simultaneously feel life is unnecessarily fucked up and negative thoughts spin vines around my intentions to be joyful. course there are years in between I know nothing about and I just happened to pick my version of one experience that seems insurmountable to get through. actually though she has a huge family and tons of support so i’m looking it at through very limited “i’m doing it by myself” eyes.

in the college classes i took about relationships and love i’m not positive I learned anything. there was a lot of writing and shared commentary based on every version of scenario the instructor had come up with at the time.

found an old journal the other day. one from 15 years ago. it made me realize i’ve always been sad and sporting a lovely low-grade depression. it’s likely the most disheartening thing i’ve read in the last decade.

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