when you have it all wrong

to be clear…

this is how i started the conversation.

…”i was a fling. i’m under no illusions that’s all i was. all the stuff i write about is just me wishing i was more but i been going through life wishing i meant more to people than i mean and though it ain’t done me no good it keeps me on my toes, reminds me i ain’t nothing to no one ‘less i can give ’em some shot of feel good. for dad he got to spill his sperm. for mom she gets to ask for whatever underground vat of money she thinks i have. for the kids dad, he got a sucker that gave him everything for nothing, a good deal while it lasted. for the kids, well, i ain’t got nothing bad to say about them. they didn’t ask to come here. i give ’em all i got and if that ain’t enough well to hell with it. i ain’t no quitter. if anything i’m like that rabbit with batteries you wanna shoot cause it won’t stop even when the lights go out. i ain’t no good. can’t be no good or else someone woulda stuck around to tell me so. i don’t look out the window no more. hell, i don’t even shop for my own food anymore. i done ended up in another country and visiting other states and cities i’d never dreamed of going to but it don’t feel like it feels to other people which leads me to feeling even lonelier than it felt being alone. i see the same eyes across every border and railway station. i see poverty. i see it everywhere i go. not only do i see it, i feel it. i f’n feel it in my bones. deep deep deep in the bones. i can’t smile at those people without feeling their pain. i’d rather be home eating soup than staring across a fancy dinner table filled with luxurious foods i can’t pronounce prepared by people who can’t afford to go out to a place that serves the same goddamn food. it’s the greatest illusionist trick you know. all you gotta do is add a glass of wine, a band, and tell people they’re super special and they all fall for it. you do know how fucked up that is don’t you? you probably think i’m nuts. well, i’m clear not everyone feels everyone so yeah, billions enjoy it for what it is and truth be told i wish i could but try as i might i can’t. i’m not the vacationing type. home should be vacation. if it ain’t then i fucked up somewhere. don’t care how beautiful the scenery is cause people are hurting and how the fuck can you pretend to enjoy things when the guy you just walked by offered to take you on a tour of the city for $2 f’n dollars? sounds good don’t it? like a bargain? it ain’t no fuckin’ bargain. it’s like dropping money in the church of poverty so it can continue. not one person asks how the hell are they surviving on $2 a day. yeah yeah yeah – i know the cost of living doesn’t translate apples to apples. i’m not stupid. i don’t have a poor person mentality, i was just blessed with the opportunity to live on the streets as a child so i could maybe do something about it as an adult. nice story, eh? cause i can’t do a thing but marvel at the value discrepancy from human to human. anyway. i’m a nobody. an accident. the kind people beg insurance companies to total so they can get the money instead. yeah. i’m feeling sorry for myself today. thing is it won’t last. tomorrow i’ll wake up doing yoga, eating granola, hugging a tree, and telling myself all the ways i was born to be a vessel of love. thing is, that won’t last either.”

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